Fear of the Dark

I'm about to release the first episode of my serial, Debt Collector.

I love it.
I'm obsessed with it.
And I'm afraid of what (some) people will think when they read it.

You see, it's the darkest thing I've written to date.

Joanna Penn has a fantastic post about Writing and the Fear of Judgment that landed in my inbox yesterday. Do you ever feel like someone wrote a post just for you, right at the exact time that you needed it? That was Joanna's post for me, yesterday. She talks about how, when we write darker elements (the swearing, sex, violence, and just shudder-worthy scenes and characters), that we sometimes hold back, self-censor, and don't go there. And she says how it's important not to do that - to tell the stories that need to be told, especially the darker ones. Exactly what I needed to hear.

(Caveat: I'm not talking about gratuitous sex and violence here. I've read stories that had blood spraying by the discount gallon and felt unmoved. There's an entire genre devoted to sex-driven stories - erotica - and I'm not talking about that either. I mean the stories where the darker elements are an integral part of the story, a necessary part, to fully explore the promise of the premise.)

Debt Collector isn't a YA series; it's intended for adults. And the subject matter is intrinsically dark. It's a story about a man who is a debt collector - someone who sucks the life energy out of people when their debts exceed their future potential contributions to society, then delivers it to someone else who will put that life energy to better use. I still get chills every time I think about the premise, and I dreamed it up, for heaven's sake.

Since today is Sneak Peek Monday (a new feature for the duration of Debt Collector releases), here's the first paragraph of Delirium, Debt Collector Episode 1:

My jackboots are new, the latest ultra-light material out of Hong Kong’s synthetics district, and they make a strange squeaking sound against the hospital floor. It’s the kind of sound that might gather snickers or a raised eyebrow, but no one looks at me, at least not on purpose. I stroll past the ICU desk, taking my time, breathing in the antiseptic smell that masks the odor of death held back by machines and drugs and round-the-clock care. The nurses duck their heads and study their charts, ignoring me. As if catching my eye might mean I’m coming to collect their debt, rather than Mr. Henry’s in Room 301. 

Dark. And it gets darker.

While I was writing the first few episodes of Debt Collector (I'm on Episode 4 now), I didn't hold back. It was only on revisions, when I'm facing the spectre of releasing this story into the wilds, that I feel the fear of judgment that Joanna speaks of. I found myself wondering if I should cut certain scenes, simply because of that fear. Then I realized that's the exact opposite of what writing is really about. Stories are entertainment, but they are also how we (safely) explore the horrors that life holds, in order to define how we truly want to live it. If we don't explore the darkness, define it, understand it, then we can't know the light when we see it. Some stories compel us to look more deeply into the dark than others, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't write them.

At least I hope so. Because Debt Collector is that kind of story.

Launches Wednesday.

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